Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Needy: A person in need of emotional validation, sexual fulfillment, and social acceptance.

I awoke in the middle of my bed beside my “boyfriend”. I’m laying there—my back towards him—thinking about my 25th birthday—feeling empty, self-reflective. I’m staring at my past; tip-toeing over the footprints men have left over the years.

I visualize the Guatemalan beach. Deep in my mind I see myself pressing the sand between my toes, hydrating the damp sand beneath my feet—plummeting anxieties, rewriting the damaged.

But then suddenly images begin to blur, my happy place decides to leave me once again…I’m reaching out trying to sustain the imagery…
but like always…it fades away.

I jump out of bed, kick my “boyfriend” out, check my fridge, make breakfast, sit on my couch—while munching on cold frosted cereal—watch tv, then check my e-mail, water my plant,—Billy—,and start to feel better all over again, well at least temporarily.

Then an internal voice interrupts my temporary happiness:

‘Why does it have to be this way?’ I’m crestfallen, feeling as if the question has pierced a vital organ. Negative thoughts start lactating running independently in attendance.

‘Why must life be so empty?’ It presumes. But then everything slows down, I hear the question echoing—all around me—over and over again…I shut my ears tight but I can’t fight it because I know that deep down inside the fighter (in me) is pending for my next move, waiting for my metamorphoses. Patiently stumping her feet with her arms crossed in the most tolerant posture you can imagine.

The phone rings I flip open my phone and say “ I don’t think this is working.”

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